When I first came to this campus in the fall of 2006, my orientation leader made sure that his very first thing to do was tell my orientation group about the etiquette on campus. This list is shorthand for how to make sure people don’t hate you as well as how to make friends. Here are the tips he gave me.

Parking Do’s: I know that photo editor Franz Knight talked about the hassle of parking a few weeks ago, but people still can’t grasp the concept of humanity in the parking lot. So here, once again, are the steps to act like a dignified college student in any parking lot at UMD.

Pull in slowly – this way you can clearly see any open spots, and you won’t kill anybody. If you see somebody starting to back out, activate your turn signal to signify to anyone who might pop up in the row that you are taking the spot that is opening up. Once the spot is clear, calmly pull your car into the spot, turn off your car (yes I really needed to mention this step), and walk towards the building you are going to. It is perfectly fine to follow people walking to their car. In fact, students with common sense will actually tell you what car they are driving so you can just go right for it.

Parking Don’ts: While not a daily occurrence, it is not uncommon for people to lose their minds over not getting a parking spot. Just yesterday I got the last spot behind the UC and had some bro lose his mind because somehow he was entitled to the spot, although his car was behind mine.

If you leave your car in the middle of the row, just to go up and scream “WALLAH BRO WHY YOU TAKIN’ MY SPOT,” I will lose respect for you. In fact, I might tell you to go home and learn manners from your mommy. Also, don’t snipe peoples spots if they are properly waiting for them. That just makes you a dick, and I will probably shun you to East Lansing or Columbus.

Creeping: Don’t f***ing do it! Seriously, there are WAY too many people inadvertently creeping on campus. Be advised, girls’ eyes are not located in their chests. Make eye contact when talking to girls.

I do not consider myself a “ladies man” by any means, but I’m pretty sure girls don’t like hearing you ask them on five different dates within five minutes of meeting them. Sorority girls don’t want to hear how you met a girl at a party, and somehow got her number. They especially don’t care about how said girl isn’t responding to your eight million text messages per day.

Visiting UMD: Now, if you are an alum of UMD, it is perfectly acceptable to visit campus from time to time, more so if you are a recent grad. However, if you ended up transferring campuses based on personal choice, or if our lovely policies told you that you were no longer keeping up the grades that are considered UMD caliber (HINT HINT), frequent visits to campus might make you fall under one of the above topics.

But seriously, if you are attending our neighboring campus, try to hang out and make friends there. The concepts of friendship here apply perfectly fine over there. Hanging out here daily just shows your desperation for social interaction, and might not be the healthiest behavior for you. I’m not saying don’t visit from time to time, I’m just saying that skipping classes over there just to sit in our UC might not be the best way to spend your college career.